last week, while staying at my parent's home with my brood, i found a journal that i had started while separated from my now, ex-husband. 8 years have passed since that time and God has done so much in my heart and in my life that i wasn't sure i would even recognize the person on the pages of that journal. as i read, i cried. not because what i read was profound or painful but rather i recognized the lack of emotion in my words. my walls were built so high and my vision was so short and i was so driven by a desire to provide and protect my son that 8 years ago, i didn't cry. and so, last weekend, i cried for all the times that i should have but was too numb to do so.
as i continued to read i came across one treasure that had significant meaning to me as i sat in the mess that was my life, with all the guilt and shame that came with it. i wrote, "i have no idea what to do, or where to start and there isn't anyone who has been able to give me a straight answer, or offer guidance. Or they say one thing and then contradict it. or completely change their minds the next time i talk to them. but i have seen people that make it.... that make mistakes that is, and then end up okay. however, OKAY is not what i want. i read something in Your {God's} scripture today that says You can make beauty from ashes. that is what i want. beauty. and i'm hoping that you don't care that i DON'T deserve it."
i suddenly remembered how tightly i had clung to that promise. BEAUTY from ASHES, i would recite in my head every time i was overwhelmed, unequipped and in pain. and even though there are still ashes in my life that need beautifying, and there are still moments when the consequences of my actions seem unbearable, i have learned to trust God's Word.
One last thing that was brought to my attention when i started "researching" for this blog entry. the Scripture that i was referring to in Isaiah says, "beauty FOR ashes" very clearly. not "beauty FROM ashes". now, i in NO WAY want to change the Bible, but i do believe that had i read "for" rather then "from", i would have looked right over the entire passage {God is so good}. i was a baby Christian and 22 years old and it would not have made sense that God could trade me beauty for ashes.... that is so immediate, like, i will trade you some french fries for a bite of your burger {i'm hungry}. but, to make something, now that takes time and i knew that it was going to take a while before i could see God's beauty in my mess. however, the day i had that conversation with Him, we made a trade. although there have been times i didn't know if how we were going to make it, He has exceeded my expectations. he will do it for my son ozzie, and he is willing to do it for you.
To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.
:: Isaiah 61:3
your friend,
r a e
